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Seven Signs That the Robot Armies Are Assembling On The Western Front

March 13, 2009

Whatever it is they’re doing just beyond the horizon there, it’s not gonna be pretty, and I hope you like needles stuck into your brain and belly by mouthless robot nurses with red eyes and cold, cold robot hands that sink their retractable needles into your tender flesh. There are more than seven signs, of course, and I’m just going to leave aside the Blade Runners and the Terminators and the Westworlds and the Futureworlds because the robots only want us to think this shit only happens in the movies. 


1. Driving that train.

On cocaine? You wish. No, the driverless train is here. It’s about as comforting as the riderless horse pulling a coach full of the undead through the woods in the dead of night, the sort of thing that would and should make you shit yourself over and over and over again. Remember that Twilight Zone where you find out that the train is actually Hell and they’re all dead and on it for all eternity. Obviously the MTA doesn’t. Or does. 

My name is Ivor, I’m an engine driver, and I’m programmed to kill you all.


2. Who says robots don’t have flacks?

Look, if Chris Brown can keep a PR company, then surely the robot armies have willing human pawns who plant stories in the media — via the Vatican, no less — reminding us that machines are not only our friends, but they have actually rescued us from otherwise servile lives. It was machines what saved us. The Vatican will use just about anything to control the proles, and since tyrannical morality clauses no longer fly with the romping, blaspheming masses, it looks like they’re happy enough to join forces with the robot armies, starting with the white goods in your own home. The revolution will not be televised, but it sure will be filthy. The article was written by a ‘woman’.

Washing machines live longer with Calgon, kill better when you are sleeping


3. They want to control the food supply.
Remember when the farmers all drove their tractors up to Dublin to protest whatever it is that makes farmers madder than a toothless man in a gum factory? Well, the next time they’ll walk. Or, if the machines have their way, they’ll run like hell.
Run for it! And if you don’t believe the bastards can chase you, think again. A word of advice, too: don’t run to the ocean. They may not be able to swim (yet) but the little pricks can run across sand better than we can. Why? Because they are learning from the goddamn cockroaches, who were here before us and will be here for millions of years after we have allowed the robots of our own making to destroy us all.

You do the math.


4. Dick Cheney.

I really don’t have to explain this one, right? 


5. The Alabama Dildo Ban.

Robots don’t like dildos. They got their own plans for your downstairs parts. 
They want you clean


6. Elmo Live.

Small children are naturally tyrannical. Just look at the way they walk: first like Frankenstein and/or a wino, then around the age of two, they take on the posture of a Roman emperor, a crazy Tiberius in training, marching around like a Warrior God and shrieking over even the most minor displeasure. This has everything to do with Elmo Live, the doll what marches up to your child, towers over her, throws back its head and pretends to submit to your child completely. “You are my best friend!” Children respond to deference of their tyranny much like real tyrants do. Because what Elmo really does is give orders. Stand up! Sit down! Put your legs down! Look at the way he rules that sad, pathetic man. Just think what he could do to your child, who already would banish you to the ice planet before he or she will let you turn off that Barney video. Elmo is preparing your child for the robotocracy.

This story starts with an animatronic shriek and ends with your entire family being disappeared. 


7. Actual Robot Armies

If the first six didn’t convince you.

Maybe rethink that Robot Bill of Rights, eh?

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